opening up ....

Hey all ! I have wondered all day what I would post tonight when I got on . As you know , the name of my blog is "A Breazy Life" so that is kinda self explanatory right ? Also y'all read my posts so you know that basically all I post about is my day to day life . I know that in the past I have mentioned some of my weird little phobias, fears and obsessions but I have never really went in depth with any of them and told some of the things that I deal with from day to day and why . The past two weeks have been kind of hard for me and I have made some changes in my life in the past couple of months that I haven't mentioned . I have this blog and I feel comfortable stating my feelings on here but sometimes I have a hard time telling to someone that is sitting right in front of me so dear friends I don't know how deep this post is gonna get but there are some things that I just need to talk about .

First of all I want to get this out of the way . Most of you know that I started going to LA Weight Loss in March and I have been successful so far . Well , I have made the decision not to go back to the center and to continue my weight loss on my own without the products that LAWL pushes on you . At this point I find that I am loosing more weight since I quit going because making sure that I get my certain foods and portions in was about to drive me nuts and it was also making me want things I couldn't have so I have changed my diet to basically whatever I want but I do this in moderation and I am also continueing my exercises five days a week , I walk three days and do a twenty minute video workout two days a week. Now , I am sure you all are wondering what my weight loss has to do with the price of eggs in China and I will have to say that I really don't know but I felt like I needed to get that off my chest , like I said , I don't know where all this post is going to lead because I am typing what I am feeling .

Second of all as I said the past couple of weeks have been really hard for me . One reason being that I haven't been sleeping but maybe two hours a night and it is really starting to wear me down. There are several reasons why I haven't been sleeping and this is where things are going to get a bit deep . One reason is because I am starting to feel some anxiety over our coming move. I really want to be moved and settled in before cold weather hits and most definately before the holidays.

I am really starting to dislike this place we are renting because the road in front of our home is a very busy road and traffic is through here all hours of the night which leads to a deep fear with me that makes me feel completely like an idiot because I have a fear like this . Most of y'all know what happened to me for ten years of my childhood and that has imbedded fears in me that I don't think will ever go away . One of my fears is that someone will come into my home while I am sleeping and hurt one of my children (sounds stupid I know but I can't help it). I am a very light sleeper therefore every little sound that I hear at night pulls me from my bed to go check on my kids . The thing that makes me feel like an idiot about this fear is that my house is locked up tight and double checked at night before I go to bed and I still get up to check my kids . Sometimes I wake up for no reason and I go make sure that all three of them are breathing . This makes me feel idiotic too because of the ages my kids are at , 14 , 11 , & 8. You would think that checking their breathing at night , unless they are sick , would have been over years ago but I still do it . Do any of you ever do that or is it just me and my messed up ways ?

Another reason I can't sleep is because I can't get my brain to shut down. I am always thinking about the errands and chores I have do get done the next day and I am mentally flipping the pages of my day planner at the same time . There are two elderly people at our church who have bone cancer and both are basically at deaths doorstep and I pray and worry for them at night . The kidney infection I am still fighting isn't helping me out at all .

Have any of you ever been so tired that you knew you would be asleep before your head hit the pillow but when you go to bed you find that sleep eludes you , basically you are physically and mentally exhausted ? All of these things are factors that are keeping sleep away from me at night . I know that most of them make me sound like some person who is a few bricks shy of a wall but I promise you there is nothing wrong with my noggin or what is in it . I do believe that we all have weird fears and phobias and that we don't always talk about them because they make us feel different and in some small way we don't want to tell others because we don't want them saying "hey , you are the biggest freak I have ever came in contact with" . I hope this post has made sense. If it hasn't please let me know in the comments and I will try to explain . Thank you all so much for listening to my moaning and groaning and any suggestions /comments are very much appreciated . Good night all ! Have a good Friday ! :)